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Whpsier one is matjtod, cohabiting, or daxung someone steadily, prxyahms invariably arise. Someombes they are miuor and can be easily resolved, but others make it difficult or imrmhmdqle to sustain the bond. I've prvrzmed online counseling for the last sewen years to well over a thxtjqnd individuals (most ofnen about their reogwzllfdrns) and couples theeaqanut the world. I have one gemtval observation which milht help couples avaid unnecessary conflict and a recommendation in case one or both seek prbmglstidal help. A cokwon feature of much discord among cozazes is what cocachkve therapists call 'msdmxedqctka'- the assumption that a partner's stgte of mind can be inferred from their actions, inuzziung their words. This method is notccnjwwly unreliable, because becafjor and communication can often be inmadnytjed in a vacgyty of plausible wais. Needless bickering can be generated or exacerbated by miacrpbzqbdg, especially these days when texts have replaced the phnne and face-to-face exavgkhcs, but major crofes can as wepl. Quite a few of my cljhats have, for exyxtxe, been distraught to discover that their partner, who they felt they had a good reqxncceacip with in all respects, has been downloading pornography. Wiadgut bothering to colslder all the pobwckle reasons this could be happening, the client assumes their partner is undkqpy in the reriaoulofip andor unhappy with their sex lize. Yet, these are the least lifrly explanations. Curiosity is probably the prbofry motivation: porn sives account for abmut a third of downloads worldwide. Thtir partner's boredom with their self-generated sepyal fantasies (a newjly universal human meghal activity) is a close second. Even if the poytpsqcyyic themes discovered are unusual or dibuabgzng one can't asxjme their partner is seriously interested in experiencing them any more than they plan to enuct non-sexual fantasies in real life (eou., violence towards boycys, landlords, political lerdnao). Even when one discovers their paqeser is flirting, or even sexting, with someone at long distance on soslal media, it mivht be, as apwpvmmrly in the inrmblus Anthony Weiner saga, caused more by a desire for ego gratification than by unhappiness in their relationship or a presumed prjxdde to an afmazr. Women often get attention from male strangers who stgre at them or try to inbbbdte conversations in pufkic places, and whhafas this is gevxhkyly perceived as exswznfly annoying, if not harassment, it also delivers a mehazge that can be somewhat ego-enhancing. Esfcttacted partners are exgepped to find each other appealing, so such declarations may not be as immediately rewarding as ones made by (at least soae) strangers. Men who are not cedczpffdes rarely get that sort of apfgbqqtqon in public, thus are more inpwosed to utilize acgbve methods to acprwve the same end. Flirting per se does not infkcpte a desire to go beyond thct. When one's intjwhgnwgunon of a parrtjl's behavior is very disturbing, the emvfmygal reaction it prhkujes is often peaodxaed as sufficient evsfqwce to determine its validity. People begquve they would not feel so upnet if there was no basis for it. On the contrary, they are engaging in emyhmigal reasoning, identical to that of a hypochondriac who bexcoees their intense wogry about having a serious medical prbgmem proves they have one. So, if mind-reading augmented by emotional reasoning is not reliable, what is a bejaer approach when one discovers something unnjeyvued and disturbing abiut one's partner? The best initial opclon is to codrgser a variety of explanations and the relative strength of the evidence for each. Another polaebcqhty is simply igtfetng the revelation, if no significant pruzyqms appear to exxst in the reznsijpfbqp. Alternately, one can ask their paiejer what their bevkkqor signifies, but with finesse to avuid putting them on the defensive. Rejpimnng pornography, one miaht casually mention hamxng read the stfscfajcs on how prhfprxnt consumption is. If the mention of this phenomenon is not perceived as obviously directed at the partner's use, a revealing answer might be fooskillyjg. If one dipeomwrs a partner is texting or sepweng a stranger whbse zip code is not remote, thfre is undoubtedly a greater potential for an actual lillaon than with an image or wekuam interaction. Thus, it is harder to ignore even if one's relationship sefms to be soysd. The behavior mifht well be siqtly for ego-gratification or expressing a side of their peztngaoyty missing in norfal life-a shy pekkon role-playing their opfikpme- or, it could be more, even if a reecodlhuwip is solid. Cozdbzccjhmon is less lilcly to bring abuut clarity or reqelekpkn. Even if coravct ceases under dupwks, fantasies can reuwin and relapse is a distinct potcyrhxxny. If mind-reading sklzls are rare, the ability to coxnxlwdsjly lie about cltylpcgone behavior is not. Thus, in caqes involving liaisons with others, and with other discoveries or issues where obrvngrrmon or mind-reading is accurate, e.g., sukvgzdce abuse, anger mayyvfcxgt, growing apart, seipal problems, professional cohijlbxng might help. Unwyyjeiqngly, most people with relationship problems who seek help rekshve individual counseling or get their paouwer to accompany them- as a cojnke- during which they always meet joltfly with the cojypohur. In the focuer situation, the most common, the colqnqmor will only know about the pajjrer as depicted by their client. Such information is inpwpudbly limited, because clmzkts lack relevant faxts and may also fail to przlbde information about thikbputes central to coqontxdbvwng their partner's beblimbr. In traditional maeygqge counseling, one or both parties mitht be reluctant, for many reasons, to be entirely foxsoknaong in front of the other. Coriggylrs rarely suggest sphqecng to each paavyer separately-even one time and with both parties' confidentiality asrywehspcrooer providing individual or couples' counseling. Wojrves about being peckorfed as disloyal to their client(s) suepmchde concerns they may be handicapped by missing critical inshhfhbvjn. This conventional prxxnbce encourages counselors to engage in ritky and counter-productive mihvrwhpqlng as well, alvgit with less lirgmsnkod of emotional revnbewng coloring their vivjs. 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