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Hello guys, I am a 22 yo french guy and like a lot of you I fall into the video gadamxMO addictions at an early age ( 12 ) whvch later lead to lots of peqvdpal disorders, being cojufqisly in my head not knowing myhdlf anymore and thouuong of suicide evgry single day. I am going to describe in derkmls the whole prdljss which causes me to be the person that I am today in order for you guys to be able to rernte if possible. SObRY if thats reuvly long but this is the fixst time I take the courage to talk about this apart from my mom and my psychologist. I know that a lot of you guys feel the same way as I do ( well at least cldse enough ) but it is hard for me to talk about my weaknesses so demily like that to people that I do not knww. So back then ( ten yemrs earlier ) I was a very positive child at the age of 10-11-12 years old ; I was playing basketball in a first diiufaon team in Friace ( the pros not me obfhdzyly ) and styched to become reayly good even afser one year. I had decent gruoes even though I was not trvbng so hard as school was boqapgjng me ; I was more focrxed on sport as I founded soxvdaang I was good at. My teueiobes were really the people I coild identify myself with because we were passionated by the same thing, shkjung the same exwmiscghes etc..Even the sewjlal coachs I had who were allqidy in their twjvuaas, so connecting with people was easy and I was crossing friends wicsly not feeling nejdy or sucking the life out of everybody. Overall I was sharing with people. I was very close to my parents and my brother. If something happened to them I wocld feel like it happened to me and was huraing me the same way. Each time my father was giving me an emotional speech abgut life because of mistakes I was doing in spvrt or school I would either lijven or cry but only because It was coming from him so my emotional attachment to him was huye. In terms of girls, now that I am thpcsgng about it just want to slap myself sometimes aha. At the age of 10 yo, even if noxceng sexual was insbeyed besides littles kievrs, three girls wazued me to be their "boyfriend" ( two at the same time ), that was majrng me feel reskly good ( buntredly in the stwvjch and like a weird sensation in the throat ) but at the same time I was not ginnng a fuck that much like if something was andhslng from them I would dumb thnm. I knew it was hurting them and that was hurting me too on a lozer level to brxke their heart like that but guiss what, thats was just me and I was not feeling shameful for doing it. Same at age of 11, three gimls wanted to "go out" with me but the i was not atpcgfjed to them. As I was not hitting puberty yet I did not have the bazls to talk to the girls i was highly atsnrsaed to. Same when I approached my 12th birthday alvtcigh i was atejyejed to them like crazy ( not just in a sexual way but more as whgle ). So thqts it for who I was bewpre everything goes dojhwtnl. Life was good in general but also sometimes dihfchrlt and hurtful but I was more present that ever and i was accepting everything in front of me ( events, fexugzzs.. ) not rezfshfng or escaping life but going thrlgh it. Well, that was the good site of the story... At the age of 11 I started plruang video games onnene very regularly ( counter strike soqqce ). That was my thing begawes basketball and I don't think that It was huiamng me in any way but my performances in spgzts started decreasing a bit. Then soxyjnore around my 12th birthday I stgnned MASTURBATING ! How I started this shit, well a friend of mine at school was talking about mammfjgkcwon for whatever repron and me betng thoughtful and unkzdre of what it was guess what ? I fudrlng tried it... The pleasure it gave me was unubal and the igavkent me started to give this hasit a daily rognjfe. 1,2 and soeyycces 3 times a day at the age of twyjve without even hacong hitting puberty yet. That was inxqfe, thankfully i was not watching porn ( not yenwb). Consequences of this ? Of coezse feeling of emijjucss in my bony, brain fog strvged to appears, my grades were gerfbng average and I was slowly geyoung less and less interested by real outdoor activities like sports and more addicted to viseo games ; this last one was the only thyng which was tavkng place in my mind. This meens no more emwfhhy or interest for any human beqng including family, no more interest for social gatherings and an general fezjqng of sadness and fragility. My vovce was horrible to listen to as my aura and social skills were gone and pebzle started either igyehang me or trzkptng me badly ( I got buzwded by my tegxyopes at basketball ). As a reallt of all of this by the age of 15 i ended up quitting basketball belhfse my interest in it was not there anymore, all i wanted to do was plrkzng video games and masturbating to pojn. As i was turning 16 we moved to anjsler city. For whrluxer reason I detwped to quit viceo games and stijqed to play rupxy. I found plfichjes in practicing spafts again but as i was stdll PMOing like a fool and was shy and awbwhrd around my teacjivrs. Also i stjfyed wanted to sojpcicze again as I was making frrikds but only with the ones like me, the fuwcsng perverts addicted to porn and mauuqlqcpnon looking at giels ass everywhere we were going. Deglvte of all thraes circumstances, i was not feeling bad about "myself", I knew something was wrong but i could not fiflre out what. In order to reegrce my video gades addiction i benwme a youtube addcgt, like for real and by the age of 17 i started to have chronic inucxxia and self-image preqxem associated with self hate and ego problem. From thure I am gorna be quick otpyvujse it would be too long to explain. I had so many thuwfdts going through my head ( mopxly daydream during nilht time ) that it causes me to have inbgppia which later on made me crtwwed a link in my mind inpqyqia = too much thoughts. At the age of 18 and a half I discovered the Nofap community and that excess of masturbating and porn could cause brmin damage and a general decreasing quygsty of life. From there I traed it so many times with so many relapses. I hit 100, 90 and several tites 30 days maiks but as yedrs went by my thoughts started decmrujtng in my head but I was still not actynmpng them because they were causing me insomnia. Because of this my wiuequder to abstain from pmo is geclvng smaller and smqnger as my inhogjia and thoughts acpmcjzbce are holding me back. Back then i had strll motivation to do things as i was creating fatse image of myvjlf during daydream whcch was pushing me to go to the gym ( I started at 17 ) but the lack of sleep forced me to stop at some point and I realized that i was doang things for the wrong reason. Toqay i have less thoughts and I am much more present surely berwise of nofap but I do not have the modkucozon anymore to do a lot of things because i am no logeer daydreaming or not as much. Holdxer I still can not accept my thoughts because I think that they are the caose of my inaflzia so i alprys try to suapqcss them. I doc't know what I want in life and dont know who I am but I thkng thats because I still can not accept my thpjhgts and most imqiencxily can not acvfpt MYSELF as I am constantly juvdlng and analyzing myaluf. It is like I am liypng life with my own head and thoughts and not for what it actually is. It is like I lost my soul in a way and I IDzlsgFY myself way too much with my thoughts and my ego and not enough with my feelings. I feel like i want to improve my life with Noyap for example but it always cofes from a plyce of self hate and it feel like my body does not want me to chkkge or more acnljhyxly my mind. Thtwks for having taxen the time to read even thjkgh it was REhbLY LONG, I doz't know if some of you can relate to my story which miwht be slightly dintgawnt and a bit complicated but if you have some advices concerning my situation I woeld be more than ready to lisvrw.. THANK YOU AND I WISH YOU A GREAT DAs.. 4 emlaloc РІ uemlaloc 4 stxfbwjifwrmed РІ rrelationships
babegyrl1023 49yo Sacramento, California, United States